I love April because it means that spring is here...it means that I only have about two more weeks of tax season...it means I'll get my full weekends back...it means I'll get to leave work at a normal time...it means I'll get to catch up on things that I've let slide for the first 3.5 months of the year....and those things are MANY....many more than I'm willing to admit here.
Knowing all this is just around the corner gives me a sense of anticipation about life that I think I lose during the course of the year. I was talking to a friend at work the other day and we agreed that these last two weeks of tax season are almost like a dream because we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After working 6 day weeks since January with only one Saturday off per month, we talked about how working these hours makes us realize how much we appreciate having two days in a row off! This is probably one of my most favorite months of the year...
Yet as much as I like it, it is also bittersweet because, although I think of her often, it reminds me of a friend who, tomorrow, has been gone for 11 years. Her death was tragic, at the hands of someone else, and left two small children to be raised by their father. I have had to realize that there are some things in this life that I just will not understand, her death being one of them. It is a gray cloud that hovers around early April every year to me. I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. Early on, I thought that it would get easier with time or at least not be so hard-hitting, but as I was getting ready for work this morning I caught myself thinking (as I do every year), "Eleven years ago today, Tracy had no idea this would be the last full day of her life...no idea that this would be the next to the last day that she'd get her kids ready for the day...no idea that tonight would be the last night she'd fix dinner for her family and put her kids to bed." And I am sure tomorrow, I will say the same sort of things to myself as I am getting ready for work, only that day will end with her death. On top of that though, I think..."You know, this is just me, a friend, feeling this way. I can't imagine how her parents must feel today and and will feel tomorrow....how her husband, although he is remarried, must feel....how her kids must feel." I know time has to march forward, but sometimes it's good to just stop and remember....even it if hurts a little bit. She left a great legacy and even though it makes me sad, if I had to choose between the 'gray cloud' or never knowing her friendship, I would choose the gray cloud anyday.
I am thankful for a God who gives us relationships we can continue to learn from even years later. I am thankful for a God who gives us what we need sometimes long before we know we need it. I am thankful for a God who always is available to talk to when it's not always easy to talk to others. I am thankful for the stability of my job, even if it is way too busy at times. I am thankful for the 'to do' list around my house, even if it is overwhelming at times, because it gives me a safe place to get away from the world when I need to. April is the month that, maybe moreso than any other, drives my blessings home to me in ways I never would have imagined.
New growth, renewal....isn't that what it's all about anyway?
5 comments:
wow--what a very moving post. I remember you telling me about your friend, (the other Tracy).
Someone told me when my Dad died, "You'll NEVER get over this, you'll just learn to live with it."
I think it's a wonderful tribute to your friend, that even though so many years have passed, you continue to think of her and she lives on in your wonderful memories.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
Great post ~ it makes me think of Beth Moore's book "Feathers from the Nest" when she says: 'I have come to understand that the spot in my heart that never loses its tenderness keeps me knowing that it was real.' Isn't that powerful?
Sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing... and thank you for your kind words about my blog.
What a beautiful post. I had a friend who died a sudden death one year ago on Valentine's day. She left a husband and 3 children. I found myself thinking as that day drew near, a year ago today, She was alive....on the day after Valentines day, I thought, a year ago today, she was already gone,...it was such a sad thought. It's really great that you still treasure her memory after all this time. I know how hard it is to loose a friend.
When I was 18, my best, life long friend died unexpectedly during open heart surgery at 19 years of age. I still think of her every year on her birthday, wondering what would she be like at this age. I will never forget the shock and grief when that phone call came.
And then two years ago a phone call came that brought the same shock and grief, only worse. My dad said, "You'd better sit down." I thought, "What happened to my stepmother?" But instead he said, "Janet didn't wake up this morning." Janet was my oldest sister, one of THE most wonderful women I have ever known in my entire life - a wife, mother, grandmother, minister, college professor, writer, speaker - living life to the fullest. She died in her sleep without ever stirring, her arm still under her pillow as she usually slept. And now the tears come. I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stop missing her until I see her in heaven. I can't begin to understand why God took her then. Her daughter had just come through a tremendously heartbreaking divorce, and just like that she lost her mother too.
But as the song says, "You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will CHOOSE to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!"
Oh Di-Dan, what a touching post. Beautifully written. I have a very close friend who suffers with MS. Sometimes she gets very, very ill and I fear I will lose her. And then she springs back and I breathe freely again. The fear never leaves me totally though.
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