We left Thursday after work and got to my mom's a little after midnight. Her husband is in a nursing home there and isn't doing well, so we knew we needed to go. He was diagnosed a couple of years ago with semantic dementia, which means that he knew most everything, he just couldn't find the words to convey what he wanted to say. They have been seeing someone and working to help him stave the progression off as long as they could, but since Thanksgiving, he's done some really strange things, totally out of character for him. Things have taken a real turn and now he doesn't know who anyone is, where he is, etc. My mom was determined to keep him at home as long as she could, but after a couple of stays in the hospital, their doctor told my mom that he needed more care than she could provide alone. The ironic thing is that he, her husband, was a doctor and knew this was happening and knew what my mom was eventually going to have to deal with, so he helped to prepare her for it as much as he could. It's just a sad situation.
I know that people all over the world have had to deal with this, with Alzheimer's or an array of other mind-stealing disorders, but this is the first time that I've really seen it first hand. When we were got to the nursing home on Friday, he was sitting there in his wheelchair with his food in front of him, but holding a little food in his hand, barely able to eat. My mom fed him, talked to him, asked him if he remembered anyone or if anyone looked familiar, but of course, he didn't know any of us. It was so odd to stand there looking into the eyes of someone who has been married to my mom for about 6 or 7 years and have him not recognize her or any of us. I can only imagine what it would be like to have it be one of my parents, a spouse, or anyone I have really been close to.
What makes all this even sadder is that his children have not done anything to help my mom handle this situation. He has a son that lives in Ohio and a daughter that lives in Seattle. The daughter came to see him the week before Christmas, but he didn't recognize her either, so she left and went shopping! She went to see him the next day, went shopping again, then she was supposed to leave early Friday evening, but changed her flight to leave first thing Friday morning and hasn't called but a couple of time since then! I just can't imagine! The son has called and, while he doesn't care much for my mom at all, he talked to the doctors and told them he was coming 'after Christmas'.....then it turned into 'after New Year's'.....and now it's turned into, "Well, I'll call again in a few weeks for an update." Can you even believe that? My mom's husband was a doctor, afforded for his family to travel the world, send his children to the best colleges, bought them vehicles, townhouses and condos when they graduated, etc, then to have them not have any more regard for him than that....I am amazed. I realize though that you don't really know a situation unless you live it, but still, they've had a good life and this is their dad! 'Doc,' as we call him, has been good to my mom, good to my sister, brother-in-law, my nieces and me, so I can't imagine that he would have been any less with his own children. I'm just amazed.
As history, we call him 'Doc' first of all because he was a doctor, but he was my mom and dad's internist the whole time my sister and I were growing up, so we've heard his name virtually all of our lives. My parents divorced in 1997 and mom and 'Doc' started dating in probably 2001. His first wife had died of leukemia in 2000, my mom got sick that Christmas and called him to call in a prescription for her. Since my parents had been patients of his for so long, he shared that his wife had passed away and next thing you know, he and my mom were dating! So here we are being step-kids to someone we've heard mention of our whole lives. Although my brother-in-law started the nickname, 'Doc' just seemed to fit, so that's what we've affectionately called him.
While this is a sad situation, my sister had some good words the other night, and really it was a good lesson for life. I said, "You know, isn't it sad that you live the life he has lived, traveled and seen the world like he has, helped people, then come to this point and not remember any of it?" Her response: "Yeah, but you know, he knew what he was doing when he did it and he enjoyed it, and you can't really ask for any more than that."
I had to agree.
12 comments:
I'm so sorry that his situation has worsened. It just breaks my heart. I just don't understand how his kids aren't at his bedside every chance they get. Sounds very ungrateful.
My Dad had moments where he would drift in and out of the here and now, and then sometimes be living in the "40+ years ago"...as I would see emptiness in his eyes. But I cherished those moments when he was "here" and aware.
I'm so sorry that you and your family are having to go thru this. Please know y'all are in my thoughts and prayers.
Glad you're back.
Glad you are home safe. I hate to hear all this about Doc. Everyone copes completely different, and I know it's hard for you to accept their behavior. I hope things get better.
Oh Dianne, I had no idea you were experiencing this. Bless your dear mother's heart. I'm so glad you girls were there to be with her this weekend. I will pray for her and Doc.
I've missed you!
Dianne, I'm so sorry to hear this about Doc. I can't understand that actions - or non-actions - of his children.
Prayers going out for your Mom and Doc and family.
So sorry to hear about Doc and the way his family is behaving. My own parents were divorced when I was young and my dad had dementia for 7 years before passed away in 1997 at age 73. He had been a very absent father and gone from my life for many years, but I still found it very important to visit him (in a V.A. hospital) as much as I could given that he was far away and I was in college with no car. I was always comforted by the fact that he seemed happy, even though he couldn't remember me or anything about his life as I remember. I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Diane, this just breaks my heart. It speaks volumes about the kind of person they are that they would treat him this way. How sad! My sweet Uncle Allison, though not part of our family by birth, but by heart, spent many years taking care of his wife every day in the nursing home. He'd go every morning and feed her, stay all day and leave after he fed her at night. He did this for years! I heard him say once, "She doesn't know I'm there....but I know it. She doesn't remember I'm her husband, but I do. And I will be as long as she's alive."
I am so sorry that you and your sister are having to deal with this. How fortunate that your Mom has your help to deal with this and doesn't have to depend on his children.
God sees all, and I believe they will be reminded of their actions one day.
I'm so sorry. I completely understand how difficult that sort of thing is. We lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's a few years back. And I've been so scared lately that my dad is showing the first signs of it. I can't imagine going through that again with him.
His children's reactions bring to mind a movie I just watched this weekend: "The Ultimate Gift". It's funny, sometimes how being raised with a silver spoon often tends to tarnish the one holding it. Thank goodness he has your mom and all of you who care so deeply for him. I know he knows and appreciates that on some level.
We're glad you're home, too. :)
~jessica
I am very sorry for what your mother is going through with Doc. This is the time when those vows of "in sickness and in health" really have to be lived, isn't it? My heart goes out to her and your family. I am glad you learned an important life lesson from this experience. I will keep your family in my prayers. May God be with all of you and give you peace, especially your poor mother.
What a sad situation. It's so sad that his children don't visit him. I can't imagine! I love the way your sister put things into perspective though. We discovered my mom had a chemical imbalance when I was 16 through a chain of very traumatic events and she hasn't been the same since then. She was a music teacher at a university before. I have so often wondered what would happen if she ever "came to herself" again. I miss her. Now she is more like a child than an adult. In fact, I called her tonight to tell her to watch the weather because it was going to be bad. Shouldn't she be the one doing that?
Sorry to ramble, I got a bit lost in my thoughts! I will certainly be remembering you and your family in my prayers.
Dianne,
Sorry to hear this kind of thing. That is so sad, at least you were there for your Mom. Take care.
Hi Dianne! I just popped by tonight to say "HI" and to see how you're doing since I haven't heard from you in awhile. And while I was here, I noticed that I didn't see my commment on this last post of yours about Doc. Wonder what happened to my comment? I'm pretty sure I left one. Hmmmm.... Who knows, I might have closed out of it before hitting publish, you never know with me. Anyway, I've had you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs!
Kat
Hi there! Stop by my blog for a special and well deserved award for you.
Hugs sweet friend!
Kat
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